setbacks

The last couple of months have really been full of changes. Some are upsetting and some are just strange and some a metamorphosis of life that was just inevitable.

All the same, I am more comfortable with life. There was a time that I was fresh from a small city in Texas and walking around New York looking up. I still look up. Once, late at night as I stepped into the Dungeon offices of Stern Angel and as I looked around at the blood red drapes and carpets, I thought, well at least the blood won’t stain it. Then I gasped to Myself, was that ME that just said that and even worse MEANT it and with such normalcy. I was there for an interview. She wanted Me to work for Her having seen a scene between Me and a boy at Paddles. “I’m too soft,” I told Her. She just smiled and said, “ I’ll handle the nasty, disrespectful Masochists, I need someone like you to keep the scardy cats coming.”

Where would I be as a person without that experience? Not many American women get to audition for a prime time sadistic Mistress to work in Her dungeon. I didn’t take Her up on it. I finally decided that it was such a precious part of Me, this strong Dominant persona with a streak of sadistic pleasures and an agenda that pleases only Herself, that She was too important to put at risk of boredom by making it a chore. I did take a client here and there for Her when I needed money and a few for a ballerina friend of Mine that would ask Me to take a few clients when she was called to do a stand-in performance.

Oh My how I used to love to watch Her as She threw Her singletail at the lucky groin of a groaning Man four times Her size as She stood daintily on one tiny foot with Her other foot tucked against her other knee in a ballet of it’s own in perfect balance. She also had a Texas lesbian lover which earned points on Her side from Me. It was never much money but even so, I felt almost guilty taking it after letting some man off My lap with an erection that practically put My eye out, with such glee.

It’s wonderful memories like this, that keep Me going when I suffer setbacks in this lifestyle. I’ve been sad about the whole thing lately. It’s snowing the land of slaves that disappoint.

andrew is MIA yet again having disappeared and chosen not to answer my email or text messages. I spent a LOT of time training Andrew. I know that slaves come and go but it just seems like there should be some loyalty to be found. I think when a relationship turns in a direction that take them away from each other, that abandonment is a cruel and unfeeling way to separate. Why not just truthfulness? It rankles.

finn is feeling neglected and we are working through some of the hardest hurdles of our long7-8 year relationship as Owner and slave. The saving grace here is that finn does have integrity and loyalty. The worth that this affords him as a slave, makes him a precious commodity. We have a deal that he finagled from Me in the beginning that there would be no release unless it was a joint decision that it was for the best. It has saved his ass more than I can say. I’m really busy lately with a daughter who has a new baby, a son who is raising a 6 year old and finding it challenging, a job that I like but it’s very demanding and a wonderful husband who deserves My time. I won’t give up the lifestyle that I yearn and need but I don’t want finn slighted either. It’s tuff to solve that but I’m working on it. I’ll decide what is best for him as I always have. finn and I call them “hurdles” and we've jumped quite a few of them.

I’ll talk about the other disappointment in it’s own post since I think it brings question to a privacy issue.