Kink Safety.... are you a Kink Dali Lama?

Ok… so last night I ran across a topic that comes up often in our wonderful “kinky but normal for us” lifestyle. The word “safe”, what does it mean and practiced with a Dominant/submissive/slave relationship, what level is “right”? Who set that level? Who makes the rules? Do we need protectors? Should we have Dali Lama’s to lead us to enlightenment?

Yesterday, online on the IRC.bondage.com server, in a room called #dark_submission, Our good friend and fellow Dominatrix Jenny (read about her in former blog entries if you like) made a comment that She tied up her boy sam sometimes and left him for two hours. I was not there when this discussion or I think the better word would be “pack attack” ( yes I got this from the Dog Whisperer, I have developed a HUGE crush on Ceasar) went on so when I popped in, Jenny told Me about it and shared some of the logs from the channel discussion. In addition to being mildly amused at the show of “Dali Lama syndrome” (definition: a dysfunctional feeling of being a high priest or priestess with end all be all knowledge and the truths of the kinky lifestyle) from a couple of the submissives I was of course feeling a little pissed off that My friend was attacked so viciously. But, more so, that it showed such a deep indicator that these people really thought they set the bar and were protectors of the faith so to speak. I decided it was a good topic to write about but I never think it’s fair to write about other people unless they KNOW I’m going to so I popped in to give them a heads up they were going to be “Kytherea Blog stars”. This was the result:

[23:36] so spree.. I was having a look at the log from the hmmm, I guess it was a difference of opinion.. with Miss Jenny.. who I am a real time friend of.. spending time with Her and Her boy sam.. and I'm going to write about it in the blog.. I wanted to be fair and let you know...
[23:37] kytherea the issue..
[23:37] kytherea touched Me
[23:37] * Kytherea smiles
[23:37] kytherea www.thefungeon.com
[23:37] paladin know what
[23:37] kytherea there is a link there to the blog
[23:37] * MsQA^f^Writing laughs
[23:37] paladin that shit should be said in private
[23:37] kytherea it'll be up by friday
[23:37] * You were kicked by Paladin (you just pissed me off, stay the fuck out )
Session Close: Wed Aug 09 23:37:37 2006

I really don’t think I said anything worthy of this trigger finger but then I’m a much more level headed and less godlike op. I commented in public because the exchange with Jenny happened in public and most of the people I wanted to speak about were in the channel. I did achieve My purpose and let the people in the room that I plan to include in this blog know that they would be the subject of this entry.

I chat a lot online. I have made some very good friends online that have turned out be offline friends as well but I find it to be a common occurance that people “discover” the online community and like Myself are so overjoyed that there really ARE others that share their desires and they really AREN”T sick that they settle in and within a short time, deem themselves “experienced”. In their defense, having been there Myself, there are things going on out in the real life day to day lifestyle that would curl their toes. They have set the limits that are “right” and have heard the buzz words, “safe, sane and consensual” and decided not only for themselves but for everyone else in the world, their limits and safety rules are right and that’s that. The keywords here are “open-minded and tolerance”.

So, let’s delve a little into the issue of safety and rules. I’m going to give you the links so you can look at it in more depth if you want to. I find them very interesting.

The truth is that Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) is not the only guiding force within our community.

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/encyclopervia/Safe%2C_sane%2C_and_consensual

Safe, sane and consensual (SSC) is one of several phrases used by a large section of the BDSM and sexual bondage communities to describe themselves and their philosophies who regard SSC to be a watchword for safety.
The principles are that BDSM activities should be:
• safe: attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health
• sane: activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible cast of mind
• consensual: all activities should involve the full informed consent of all parties involved

There is also A risk-aware consensual kink (RACK)

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/encyclopervia/RACK

RACK is any of several phrases used by portions of the BDSM community to describe themselves and their philosophies. Note: This term is sometimes also seen as risk-accepted consensual kink.
"Risk-aware consensual kink" is a term that was coined in reaction to current dissatisfaction within the BDSM community regarding the political issues (internal and external) surrounding the "safe, sane and consensual" ethos that many people defines consensual BDSM. Specifically, RACK is intended to embrace edgeplay and play that is engaged in without safewords.
RACK is intended as a philosophy, and does not specifically refer to any particular type of BDSM play or activity.

If you would like to read a really good essay about the comparisons of the two guiding forces go to http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/medlinssc.htm .

I too used to be rather pompous and judgmental of those walking a different path than Me until people I knew and respected taught me that it’s not My place to judge the needs and desires of others. I once got into a knock down drag out argument with a Dom (Flagg for those of you in the know) at a TES meeting and then carried the disagreement out further on the TES (The Eulenspiegel Society of New York City www.tes.org ) message boards about his right to loan his two slaves to visiting Dominants and have them not use a condom if that Dominant didn’t wish them to. It was a raging fight and I really don’t think it’s over even now over a year later. It still comes up on the message board from time to time. No one kicked Me out or attacked Me for discussing it which is the beauty of a well balanced and well informed community.

But what that DID do for Me, as I read the other people weighing in on the issue, was to understand that I should never think that I had reached the brink of knowledge and acceptance in the kink world. I would always stand on the precipice, always be learning and pushing my edge. There are so many ways to express ourselves and so many different forms and factions in our lifestyle. For example, some people don’t want control, they just want to spank, feel it, languish over the lap of a Top, laugh or cry a little and get up and go. Others want their clothes chosen every day, told what to eat for lunch and to be punished for mistakes in a world of total 24/7 control. I could go on and on but all this was to say that getting out in your community and even traveling to other ones really widens your scope and your ability to be accepting and not pompously declare to a fellow kinkster, as if you were the high Dali Lama of what is right and wrong in the kink world, that they are deemed UNSAFE. Here is an excellent example of such a person,

“ okies a couple points here.... lets start with the easy ones. Considering BDSM does get a LOT of bad press saska_doe, it sorta is our job...meaning people who are going to run BDSM-D/s rooms and offline dungeons, munches, paryies etc.... it IS our responsibility to do so in a safe fashion AND to try to make a good example.”

Here is some more from the ever faithful Dali lama of kink, spree,

“ no one typed it for you, you did, and if people got the"wrong" impression, you have no one but yourself to blame. I am PROUD that this room and the people in it jumped all over you...it means THEY have the sense to see how unsafe your comments (if they were true) were.”

and then.. miss spree becomes our Dali Lama saving us from the evils of Jenny... lol

* You were kicked by spree (THEY were nice compared to ME. See, they were questioning you, and looking for answers. me, on the otherhand , i dont care for answers. people that do not practice safely, aren't welcome..PERIOD)
Session Close: Wed Aug 09 20:08:05 2006

Now there's a way to solve a problem...especially when you aren't winning.. put tape on it's mouth.... In fairness I should say that there were a FEW steady heads there like Brandr, saska_doe and pheaux but they were afraid to say much because they didnt want to be the next "pack attack" Although I doubt BrandR was really concerned about that lol.

She wasn’t the only person weighing in, there was the all knowing marycat and some snake fellow that was quite poisonous with his silly uninformed comments, but in the end miss spree had nominated herself judge, jury and protector, the super hero of the kink world protecting our reputations from black smudges so that the vanilla world wont spank us in the press. Although on second thought, that might be a fun experience to be spanked or spank a press person but I digress. Having known Jenny all of about 3 minutes and never talking to or observing sam at ALL… spree has decided that Jenny should be slapped around.

Thank you very much, but I think I’ll pass on electing spree to be My spokesperson of what is and isn’t ok. Her willingness to allow Jenny to be attacked in such a fashion with the very small amount of information she had proves her unworthy of the position. I find her judgmental attitude and lack of information to be JUST as damming and dangerous to our community as the actions that she professes to use to protect it. Thanks but no thanks. I’ll save my vote putting My money and support in a much more trustworthy group of people at the NCSF (National Coalition for Sexual Freedom) or the Blue Ribbon freedom of speech campaign. Their links are on this blog, be sure and check them out.


If they are so upset about sam, who is an extreme edge masochistic slave with a voracious appetite for pain and humiliation, getting tied up and left to squirm for two hours, I wonder what the verdict would have been if they had seen Mistress Blair shoving 12 high gauge needles in the soft flesh of puppy’s upper thighs and then canning them. Or, watching later as puppy squirmed happily kissing her feet thanking her. Without being on the inside track of the relationship between a slave and their owner, no one can really make judgments on whether an activity is “safe” for them or not. This activity with sam and Jenny actually fits both SSC and RACK guidelines.

I know and have spent a lot of time with Jenny and sam. Jenny is actually a saint because sam would run Me nuts with his constant begging for more and his insatiable appetite to be tied up and humiliated. he is actually a very pampered and spoiled boy and very lucky because Jenny has a never ending stream of energy and is one of the most creative Dom’s I know. Tying sam up and leaving him for 30 min or so would do NOTHING for him. In sam’s case, a couple of hours is more fitting. This is their brand of interaction and Jenny is actually a very good Dominatrix. She really isn’t a Mistress. She plays much harder that I do but it’s what She likes and I have never seen a Dom with more energy or with such a good eye for new “contraptions” to visit tortuously on sam. I am a very demanding Mistress and would probably drive sam off in a huff. It’s all about if they “click” or not.

finn once went to a Pro Dom in St. Louis whom he still adores to this day that left him tied up all night in her basement. he was a squirming happy camper and relishes the memory to this day.

finn and I have had the wonderful opportunity to experience and interact with other people in the lifestyle from:

• Club X in San Francisco where finn learned to be a little less homophobic to
• The Sanctuary in Dallas where I learned that floggers were as fun to feel as they were to wield and that women really DO ejaculate too
• PEP of Atlanta and their roll-play rooms and boundless energies
• the private richly ornamented dungeons of the lifestylers in Houston, Texas.
• The openness and courage of the RSVP group in Baton Rouge Louisiana and not for the big flood but for having a RACK oriented, anything goes dungeon run by a well organized and informed group that is in constant danger of arrest or shut down by the local police
• The playful creative group NOLA in New Orleans with their wonderful dungeon and even a kink friendly hotel so people can stay over and enjoy the debauchery
• To the yummy Dungeons of New York City and the wonderful education of TES for people in our lifestyle.
• The friendships with Pro Dommes here in NYC that regardless of what anyone thinks provide a MUCH needed outlet for submissives who are starving and don’t have an owner or playmate. Ms Tara at the Den of Iniquity. Check out her website at http://www.thedenofiniquity.net/mist.html. I know Tara personally and she is just awesome.

I think it’s important to do this. To get out there and form a well rounded knowledge and experience base. Not just online or in your community but really OUT there finding out what is going on in other kink communities. If you can’t travel there, sign on to other message boards and see what their issues are. What do they think about SSC or RACK. What protocols do they use? How do they mesh the different levels of play within their safety rules?

So, to sum up, this issue began with some people needlessly attacking My Dom friend Jenny and her boy sam who wasn’t even present, neither of which were known to any of the people in the chatroom. Jenny pretty much doesn’t give a fuck so there is really no need to waste energy defending her. But, further thought on the matter led to a concern I have with people online and off that live in a little world, teaching others in their little world that their “expertise” is the only way and they are the “saviors” of the kink world, the Dali Lama’s and Nobel peace prize winning hero’s that will protect the reputation of our lifestyle online, offline, at parties and munches and meetings. It’s just not so and once they peek their head out of their shells and seek out knowledge, they will learn, just like I did that the information highway of kink is never ending and anyone with a brain should think twice, thrice, no FOUR times over before spewing out condemnations to kink brothers and sisters.